Who Can Eat More: Yoshi vs Kirby (Guest Post by @EricVBailey )

THE QUANDRY

Yoshi and Kirby are two Nintendo characters who have a lot in common: They both have a reputation for being more “cute” than combative, they star in their own series of games, they have a limited vocabulary, and they are known for eating their opponents or other items.

But who can eat more?


YOSHI

Mario's faithful steed has to be near the top of the list of competitive eaters in gaming lore. The green dinosaur does little else besides eat and be sacrificed for longer jumps. With a flick of his tongue and a lay of his egg, he rapidly disposes of any meal placed in front of him.

In Super Mario World, the larval form of Yoshi doesn't even need the classic tonguing action. You just kinda shove his face into any enemy and Baby Yoshi will eat it. We take it for granted, just how impressive this feat is. Have you ever tried to eat something larger than yourself in less than a second?

This is the truly impressive facet of Yoshi's consumptive power – not just the size of his conquests, but the raw efficiency of the process. From the gulping swallow to the egg-to-ammo transformation, Yoshi seems to have optimized his guts for maximum capacity. You can parade an endless stream of feed-fodder straight toward his mouth, and he will just keep swallowing. Look at this .gif, illustrating the point. You could leave this thing running for decades, only to come back and still find Yoshi wolfing down Shy Guy after Shy Guy for all eternity.

So beware the tongue of Yoshi, lest he get you next. He may yet tempt you, or even impress you, with the skillful application of his long, thick, and moist appendage. He is quite capable of giving you a good tongue-lashing. Yes, he'll tongue you good. He'll tongue you hard, and deep. His skin glistens with sweat, his sinews drawn taut, his shoulders rising and falling with excited breath as he bites his lip and proceeds to-- *stares off into the middle distance*


KIRBY

In the circle of Nintendo's competitive eaters, Kirby has to be in the mix as well.

This lovable pink puffball seems to have an insatiable appetite. Whereas Yoshi converts his foes into weapon-projectiles through arcane digestive means, Kirby himself is the end of his means, the final destination for those unlucky enough to cross him. His mouth is like a black hole, his stomach the period that the story of life.

Yoshi's gift for rapid-fire snacking is nothing short of miraculous, but Kirby has him beat in a few specific ways. For one, Kirby can eat more than one thing at once. Yoshi has this certain physical limitation about him, this constraint whereby the tip of his tongue must physically connect with his target. Kirby shows no concern for paltry ideas like “physics,” instead electing to consume, consume everything.

Yoshi's backstory has something to do with living on an island and playing a part in the rise of the Super Mario Bros. Kirby's story always seems to essentially boil down to “One day, Kirby was having a picnic or taking a nap or otherwise being perfectly innocent and adorable, until his idyllic peace was interrupted by a paradimensional entity bent on the violent destruction of all life. So Kirby ate him. Peace was restored, the end.”

You don't mess with Kirby.

Kirby will eat everything, instantly, forever.

At this point, some Yoshi apologist will say “b-b-but what about Mega Yarn Yoshi, and those giant metal eggs from New Island?!” Get that garbage argument out of here. Look, Yoshi's a dinosaur, he has to adhere to certain physical limits. Kirby, on the other hand, laughs at every attempt of the cosmos to contain him.

We can look to one title in particular for the most compelling persuasion: In Kirby Triple Deluxe, Kirby does this thing where he goes “hypernova” and his suction rips entire dang trees out of the ground, among other objects. There is video evidence. But if you're going to watch one video to summarize Kirby's nigh-apocalyptic prowess, check out his final boss battle from that game, in which he swallows... a streaming blast of supernatural energy? And then fires it back out of his face to annihilate all in his path? Ridiculous. That kind of eating can't be quantified.

Perhaps there was a time when this article began with a good-faith intent at debate but, no, let's be honest, Kirby wins this battle of bites and it's not even close. Even if Yoshi forked his tongue, and stretched it out, and massacred his mouth into an inescapable maw of unfathomable tentacle-tongues, Kirby would just suck 'im up like the infinite vacuum he is and swallow it all whole.


THE WINNER

Kirby wins.

Easily.

Decisively.


     …


          Although...


               Now I do have to wonder:


                       Could he eat a ghost?

Special thanks to internet pal and Kirby expert Jonathan for his input on this piece. You can follow him on Twitter @radicaldefect.

Eric Bailey likes Nintendo games and writing about Nintendo games. You can follow him on Twitter @EricVBailey, check out his minimalist YouTube series, support him on Patreon, or ignore him altogether.

     Previous Guest Posts by Eric Bailey:

     [ Tribute: Link's Awakening ]

     [ You’re All Idiots, Everything's On Fire, and Nothing Ever Changes: Yet Another Critique of Gaming Culture ] 


     [ Easy-Mode Players Are The Real Gamers ]

Dead Island: Survivors: Short Review

     It's been a little over 2 years since Dead Island: Survivors shambled into soft launch in Norway, and it has finally spread the infection to the global market.  The Dead Island franchise has definitely had a rough patch over the last five years.  Escape Dead Island missed the cel-shaded mark, the highly under-rated MOBA Dead Island: Epidemic was shut down before it could even leave open beta, Dead Island: Retro Revenge wasn't anything like the beat 'em up it was originally advertised to be, and Dead Island 2 is still lost somewhere in developmental purgatory.

     Unlike its Dead Island predecessors Survivors combines base building with tower defense and adds a dash of 3rd person zombie slaying action in as well.  Players are tasked with setting up protective perimeters, laying all manner of blockades and traps, and defending their bases while attempting to round up all the other survivors from the formerly idyllic nearby islands.  Sadly, what makes this one unique addition to the tower defense core of the game go awry with is the absolutely atrocious controls for the character.  When you want to engage in melee combat with a character the control is of the point and click variety instead of a traditional joystick (virtual in this case).  It then locks your camera in and having to constantly adjust to see what you are missing is infuriating to no end.  Trying to attack a specific zombie in a horde is utterly worthless, resulting in wasted attacks and time, which in turn generally lead to losses for the player.  You have to either focus on building and maintaining the defense system OR using the extraordinarily poorly controlled character.  You cannot do both as the other will suffer quite swiftly- creating an awful situation where in the later game you hit impassable walls because you can't do both.  Having to sacrifice one aspect of the duality is not a good gameplay decision here at all.

     Deep Silver’s development studio Fishlabs Entertainment has brought the franchise to the mobile market, but despite the potentially bright rays of sunshine a new Dead Island game might've provided us with, the Banoi Archipelago has seen better tie-in game days (Epidemic), but to be fair, it's also seen much, much worse (Retro Revenge).  There's an absurd microtransaction focus that happens with a great many mobile games by gating off things with an overabundance of timers and an extreme scarcity of resources leading to the inevitable lengthy wait times and slowing down progress to the point of actually discouraging gameplay. 

     As much of a fan of the series as I am, I can't recommend this game at all unless you really, REALLY like the monotonous grind of tower defense games.  Dead Island: Survivors is a case where they might've done far better had they broken the game into either strictly a tower defense, or gone with a simple hack-n-slash adventure game (which is what I had hoped for) as opposed to attempting to merge the two together as an incongruent mess.  That's a very disappointing thing for me to say too, because the visual design is so good in Survivors, and any hope for another mobile tie in game that is truly worthwhile is rapidly dwindling while awaiting the official Dead Island 2 to re-emerge from whatever undead state it currently resides in.

     Dead Island: Survivors [ Google Play ] [ iOS ]

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